Permission to Simply be Human
Telling the truth & forming connection without needing to be an Expert
I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for awhile now, but haven’t really known the proper way to address without coming across as judgey or antagonistic.
But this is generally a judgement-free zone, and also a space to tell the whole story - which includes the in-process and imperfect parts of the story. So I’m just going to come out with it.
There is this notion in our social media & influencer culture that in order to gain status, prestige, or even LIKES, that you must be an EXPERT in something. Online coaches across a multitude of industries will tell you this as a primary strategy for growth.
“What are you really good at?” is the focus question they’ll ask you to reflect on. And like every online entrepreneur that wants to grow, or even just humans that want to help, you’ll opt in to some sort of self-reflection and come up with one or two shiny parts of your life that you can be an expert at, and essentially “teach on”.
I have always struggled with this “expert” angle.
And I don’t know if it’s my spiritual journey toward health as an Enneagram 3 or just a general awakening incited by the unraveling of my identity after motherhood, but I think that honesty (and maybe lessons learned through good ole fashion guess & check) evokes greater connection, than “expertise”.
One demands perfection.
And one allows for margin to be human.
Now, obviously, this is not a rule that necessarily applies to all experts. There are people in various fields (Dr. Casey Means for example) who have received massive education & work experience in a particular arena or niche (for her, the health & medical arena) who we would definitely consider experts.
I’m talking more about the average everyday person you follow on social media.
For example, I follow this girl on social media who within the last couple of years went through a scandalous bout of infidelity in her marriage. I was not intimately privy to any of the details surrounding the affair, other than it was someone socially adjacent in the circles we run in, so I knew OF it because the fallout from it impacted people in our community. Now suddenly after opting to stay in her original marriage (praise God!), she’s become an “expert” posting all sorts of things online about ‘HOW TO HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE, when privately (again, I’m not privy to behind closed doors in her marriage), this is all relatively FRESH (in my humble opinion).
I’m not debating whether the marital advice she’s publicly offering is good or not, or maybe even helpful, I’m more cautioning for us as consumers of people’s stories and lives - especially in the online space - that there is ALWAYS more to the story than what is portrayed online.
What if instead of talking from a stage as an authority on the subject, the message was more “Look, my marriage hasn’t always been perfect or easy, but when things have been good, these are some ways that have been known to help us get there”? That’s a MUCH different posture than “My marriage is awesome because look at these 4 things we do everyday to keep us together”.
Again, medical and health experts are one thing, but when it comes to relationships - I am Leary of people who claim to be experts. Simply because I have relationships and last time I checked, none of them are perfect! An old pastor of ours used to say, “Running a church would be super easy if it weren’t for the people”. Another way of saying, all of our relationships fall short and require humility and grace - none of us are experts!
Am I crazy for thinking that?
It sort of reminds me of the inadequate feelings that are conjured up when you scroll through those beautiful HOME DESIGN INFLUENCER accounts - you know the ones. Where each square is perfectly curated, with the most current seasonal decor carefully staggered throughout each shot - of course always coming from the most current design lines at Target & CB2 (because God forbid you decorated your space and still use that decor more than one season ago). And then you look around your own home and space, feeling just a little bit meh about what you have and what you’ve been given. BUT THEN, you get invited over to a friend’s house - someone you actually know and really like not just a filtered & curated square online - and you walk in and see their dirty clothes pile in the corner of their open concept kitchen from where their kids just walked in and threw down their used sports clothes from the day. Or you see the pile of unwashed dishes stacked from clearly more than one meal in their sink. And suddenly, you feel a kindred connection with this new friend because you see their humanity, and your own shortcomings and humanity feel safe in their presence.
It’s okay to take our masks off and be vulnerable with truth, without needing to present as an authority on life.
We can share our stories in humility, without having to be an expert, especially when you’re actively still in the middle of it (which newsflash - this is most of our lives as far as I can see so far). At least in my own experience, I think people connect more with raw and real, than polished and perfect. And even when you share the raw and real, you don’t have to serve it up on a “4 steps of how to beat this because I clearly have”. If you share truth, you admit your weaknesses (and what/how you’re working on them), people’s souls will feel a little lighter and safer in your orbit - especially when you point them to the only expert that can truly make good of their personal mess: Jesus.
So anyway, maybe I’m becoming too skeptical after my social media sabbatical this summer, but I’m just here to share that your story matters and you don’t have to come across or present as an expert in order to help people. Be leary of the ones who come across as “life experts”. Don’t look at the shiny moments of their life & assume they have anything more than you do. Their dishes still pile up, they still poop in the toilet (and it probably stinks), and their relationships so long as they involve people, still have imperfections & messes - sometimes even more than they want you to think.
Honesty and humility breed freedom and trump expertise when it comes to sharing our stories & allowing those stories to help others. Sure, you can share a tool, a habit, or a rhythm or truth that has helped and worked for you, but until or unless you are batting .1000 with it every single day, there’s no need to present as an expert. It’s okay to just be human.
You have permission to take off the mask that you have it all together or know what you’re doing, and can simply show up with your hand raised in a way that allows other humans going through similar things to say, “me too.” Sharing the whole story & truths of it, even the messy parts, are enough. There is freedom in that, and solace.
And I can tell you from experience as someone who does share things online, the weight of being the one to share gets a whole lot lighter when you simply get to be the one to share the story and tell the truth - no matter how messy that may appear - without having to be an expert.