Are you a receiver or a giver?
"Because at the end of the day, I have to learn how to receive - not just compliments, but ultimately, love."
I realize this is a funny title of a post to lead with after publishing a vulnerable story about my family and gay marriage, but tongue in cheek & sense of humor hat ON - there is no other way to talk about what we’re going to talk about today.
What is it about our inability to receive?
Or maybe it’s just me. But as I was reflecting in the shower today (it was hair wash day, IYKYK), I was noticing this pattern that’s been present recently for my inability to receive.
Let me explain further.
Last week, a neighbor we did-not-yet-know knocked on our door, inquiring about our home remodel. She lived around the corner and was contemplating a remodel herself, and having watched us undergo ours the last year, naturally she had some questions. Well, as we usually do, we invited her in to tour. I’m a visual learner and I just always assume other people are too. Plus, if she had the balls to knock on the door, I know what she REALLY wants is to tour the home - because we’re all super nosy like this thanks to Pinterest and HGTV.
It was the tail end of Spring Break, the kids had been home from school for approximately 7,000 days, and the house looked it. Hi, welcome to our home - we most definitely LIVE here.
But she was GUSHING with compliments about the design of the home.
From the kitchen to the arches (I do love the arches), to the floors and cabinet hardware choices - she was showering us with compliments. Every time she would compliment something, I would point out all the ways it wasn’t perfect - almost like rejecting the full weight of her compliment. Finally, after like the third or fourth time, my husband was like “will you just accept the compliment?” and we all laughed, but he was right. My self-deprecating humor about the clothes strewn about, or my home not being HGTV-tour ready for an impromptu neighbor drop in, was dumb.
Our home is beautiful. And we designed the whole thing ourselves. And then decorated it, which is a whole skillset people pay A LOT of money for. So I should be able to 1000% receive her compliments without justification or self-deprecation as to how it could be better, or slightly more perfect.
When I think about this from the giver’s perspective, it’s exhausting and dumb.
I LOVE being a giver - especially with my words. I try to be quick to compliment others - a woman’s hair that day, her outfit choice, her work, or her character. I don’t withhold my likes - I’m reckless with them. Because it feels GOOD to give!
So why is it so hard to receive?
A little over two weeks ago, I launched this…I’m still not sure what to call it…blog? Substack? Platform? Faux podcast if you’re listening? Book in progress? And decided to openly post words that were meaningful, in hopes that they would do just that - be meaningful to someone. Words, and books, have always meant a whole lot to me over the years. From helping me escape to faraway lands and adventures as a kid, with the flashlight under my covers until odd hours of the night, to helping me grow as a parent, someone who is wise with money, or a Christian in more recent years. I love reading, and I simultaneously believe that God has gifted me through expression with writing, so I figured hey, why the heck not? Maybe, just maybe, my words could impact someone else too.
Well much to my delight, they have so far. We’re just barely getting started, but people have been generous with their feedback and words, affirming that these words on this screen matter to them. Which is just a really cool and humbling thing.
A dear friend just today sent me a voice text that was one of the kindest out-of-the-blue texts I had ever received. In it, she was incredibly gracious with her compliments about my work, stating that she had recently connected on my IG profile and scrolled back to not just recent, but older work I had posted on there (not like a creepy stalker, just like normal IG stalker behavior), and was impressed. This friend and I are connected through our work as clean living advocates, but we hadn’t ever followed each other online (which is sort of funny being that we’re an ecommerce business?).
As she poured compliment after compliment through my phone about the integrity, quality, and heart that she could see I had so clearly poured into my work, I found myself tearing up. When her one minute voice text ended, not only was I emotional about it, but I had a second feeling that was lingering there too that I became curious about.
Was it gratitude? Yes, but that’s not what I was trying to name.
Was it joy, or pride? No, that wasn’t it.
It was almost…an unbelief, or maybe unworthiness?
Ugh.
Old demons die hard.
For years, I’ve battled through separating my intrinsic value and worth that I believe God has given me just in who I am, from my work. I’ve already shared my Enneagram 3 wiring with you, but the achiever in me dies hard. It’s really really difficult to not tie what I do, to who I am.
So wouldn’t you think then a one minute voice text would be kryptonite for someone who craves words of praise or affirmation for my work?
Yes, and no.
That’s actually what I was analyzing in the shower.
I put things that I create out into the world, for the sake of creating them & hoping they help others. But I NEVER have any expectation that others will actually TELL ME my work matters, even though deep down inside I hope they do. So then when they do, why is it so hard for me to receive? Isn’t this what I’ve been wanting??
Analyzing why it’s so hard to receive versus give I think touches on not just how culture has conditioned us, but also our inability to acknowledge who we are, or rather whose we are.
If you were born an American, you have received a message of independence since day one. Culture has taught us to value independence - be in charge, take the lead, don’t rely on others! We celebrate those that are “self-made” as the ultimate achievers because they “went and did it by themselves”. Wow. Sidenote: I vehemently DISAGREE with the term ‘self-made’ and think there is no greater oxymoron in the entrepreneur space specifically. If you think you got ANYWHERE in life without the help, sacrifice, love, or investment of others - then you are FULL of yourself and I will not be purchasing whatever it is you’re selling. Carry on.
Culture has taught us it is better to be a giver (position of power) than to receive (position of submission).
The message that’s wrapped in that is that submission is the weaker of the two. It declares NEED, and we don’t want to be seen as needy, or even admit out loud that we have need - for fear that might communicate, what, humanness?
It gets confusing though because the Bible also says that.
So which is it - the chicken or the egg?
In John 3:16, the Bible says “For God so loved the world, He gave his one and only son”. God was a giver. That Son went on to give his life in place of ours.
More giving.
The receiving comes when we acknowledge these things to be true, and allow the gravity of what it means to wash over your whole self.
Someone gave their life as a ransom for you. And you did nothing to earn it, you can do nothing to repay it, and frankly, some conditioning might even conjure up anger because you’re like well, I didn’t even ASK for that type of gift.
And the only requirement for a life of eternity is to receive that as true.
It’s where people get stuck.
Sometimes, it’s where I get stuck.
It’s wildly humbling to really receive.
And not be able to repay. Not be able to reciprocate.
To simply receive.
For me, it conjures feelings that I’m not worthy to receive.
And while I’m still very much wrestling down what the root of that is for me, and where in my childhood or upbringing I picked up the false message that I didn’t need anyone, that I was going to be just fine on my own, I’m still working on receiving.
Because at the end of the day, I have to learn how to receive - not just compliments, but ultimately, love.
And receive it from people, and the places, where I feel most undeserving. Where I didn’t do anything to earn it.
Where it’s freely given.
And I simply learn to receive.
It’s a struggle and journey ya’ll - thanks for being along for the ride.